My friends, they love my intelligence
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
