where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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