if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
