Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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