The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
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