I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
