dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
