alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I'm at about main and main street
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Randomize
