i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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