It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
