i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
There's always time for handjobs
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Randomize
