Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
