I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
