the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
