I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
