I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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