either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Shame - the story of my life.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
