She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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