I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
