After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
