dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
