I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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