I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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