Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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