just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
