Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Randomize
