Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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