im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
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