Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
