It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
