Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
