dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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