I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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