Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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