3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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