nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
