my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
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