I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
