i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
