You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
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SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
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I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
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