I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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