He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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