I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Randomize
