$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Randomize
