Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
