listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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