I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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