somebody snuck up and got me drunk
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I'm bleeding and have questions
Randomize
