I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
