i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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