He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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