That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
