apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
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I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
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Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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