I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Randomize
